Routine has set in, and you don’t really know where you stand in your relationship anymore? Would you be happier alone? Here’s 10 questions to ask yourself to help you know if you should put an end to your relationship.
Romantic relationships can be complicated. Some situations are easy to overcome, but sometimes, there’s something more complex to uncover, and the relationship can’t be saved anymore. When in a relationship, each individual must be in peace with himself or herself, but also with the other one. Compromises are in order, but when they make you unhappy, maybe it’s time to reconsider your relationship, and evaluate if this relationship still is viable for you. Here’s 10 signs that may be telling you you should put an end to it for your own good and happiness.
1| Do I feel understood and valued?
Even if we are crazy in love, we have to remain able to respect ourselves enough to require a decent treatment from the other. Is your lover making you more reproaches than compliments? Do you feel supported, understood, and respected in your choices? Everyone has their own limits when it comes to relationships, and it’s important that they’re not being transgressed.
For example, some women have male friends, and vice versa, and don’t want to sacrifice that friendship over a love affair. And, for them, it could even be normal to go out for dinner at a restaurant, one on one, with that friend—even when in a relationship. For others, that same situation would be unacceptable. That’s a situation in which your lover’s opinion should matter and be considered, because when you love someone, you don’t want to hurt them.
If your significant other and you are always fighting for the same reasons, though, maybe that’s because one of you doesn’t understand the other, or simply doesn’t care.
2| Does this relationship make me grow?
Some people allow us to be the best version of ourselves, but others only bring out the worst in us. Are you growing? Does your significant other help you to become the best person you could be? Or, on the contrary, do you feel oppressed?
If your relationship is driving you down because you’re always fighting, or because you’re under the impression that you’re going nowhere, then you have to stop and ask you these questions: do I feel good in this kind of relationship? Do I need more challenges or new adventures? With that person in my life or not? Does this relationship brings out the best or the worst in me?
3| Do you share the same fundamental values and life principles?
We say both “birds of a feather flock together” and “opposites attract”. In which cases differences between you two are positives? When it comes to character, there’s no problem if one individual is calmer than the other. The same goes for your favorite hobbies; no need to share all your favorite activities with your partner. However, you should have some important things in common.
When it comes to fundamental values, those that guide your behavior and your choices, like honesty, fidelity and loyalty, you must be on the same page. And it must also be the case for your life principles. If your life priorities, your limits and your long-term goals are too different, even if it seems banal to you at the moment, your relationship won’t survive time.
Are you dreaming about traveling around the globe while your significant other hates it? Do you want to buy a condo in the city while he wants to live in a house in the suburb? Do both of you want kids? What are your political, religious and spiritual beliefs? For some of these differences, it’s possible to compromise, but if something is well anchored into you and is very important, you’ll want your lover to share it with you.
4| Do you look elsewhere or envy other couples?
You have to understand the nuance between finding someone attractive and falling for that person. It can be very difficult to know exactly when our fantasies are impinging on our relationship, but usually, when you feel like being somewhere else, it’s not a good sign.
Maybe, after a while, the magic is gone and there’s no more attraction between you two. In that case, the honest question to ask yourself is: would I prefer being single? If not, is there something missing in your current relationship?
Lack of affection, lack of intimacy, lack of rapport… what do you see in other couples that makes you envy them? The grass is always greener on the other side, but chances are that your neighbor make sure to take really much care of his own.
On the other hand, if you’re the one who always has to work on the flowerbed while your partner doesn’t put any effort in, maybe you should stop taking care of it and see if he’ll finally take the lead, or if he will let weeds grow in. You understand the metaphor, right?
5| Are you in the same place in your life?
Timing is everything. Are you both ready to invest yourself in a serious relationship? If one of you is ready for the house-marriage-kids package while the other one still wants to party every weekend, you’ll have to sort this out.
Sometimes, maturity gaps can completely ruin a relationship, and trying to change the other person is never the right thing to do. Sadly, you’ll have to realize that your roads are going apart, and that your relationship must come to an end. You both have to follow your own path. Forcing someone into a life that doesn’t fit them, a life they’re not ready to live, will only postpone the problem, and you’ll have to face it one day or another. Who knows, maybe you’ll be reunited in a few years?
6| Do you share mutual passions?
Mutual passions allow you to reconnect with each other, so either if it’s a small or a big one, it doesn’t matter. Going to the chalet for the weekend is a small getaway, but it will reunite you for a few days, and you’ll be excited about the time you’ll spend together. Passions save you from your daily routine and from the monotony of your relationship. They are the key to keep away the day when you’ll realize that you don’t want to be with your partner anymore.
If you want to know if your relationship still worth it, plan something with the one you love. Start playing tennis together, promise each other to go on a date night once a month, do something different, go on a trip, go camping, anything! Stay open to new adventures together, that’s probably what was missing in your relationship to help you fall in love again. If, even with these novelties, your other half still is bothering you, maybe you should reconsider your relationship. Why stay with someone you don’t really want to be with anymore?
7| Do you feel like your lover is slowing you down?
Feeling slowed down by your significant other can take many forms. Are you under the impression that you always have to drag the other one around when you go out, and that you may have much more fun if that person wasn’t there with you? Do you act like if you were single when you’re not with your partner? If that’s the case, is it the attitude of your partner that turns you off? Because that can be discussed and solved. Instead, is it that you just don’t have fun with that person anymore?
Do you see yourself sitting besides this person for the rest of your life? It’s also possible that you’re feeling slowed down at a whole different level: if you’d like to follow your dreams, but those doesn’t fit with his own, a reassessment is necessary.
8| Do you secretly want your significant other to change?
We all have qualities and flaws. Maybe you’re willing to work on some of our defaults, but there’s always a limit before it become a question of modifying our personality. When you enter a new relationship, it’s really important to ask yourself: could I live with his or her flaws in the long term?
Time goes by, and our character defines itself, stiffens, and we have to project ourselves a few years ahead. At 50, or 70, will you still want to deal with your man’s impatience or your woman’s mess? If you live together, even the smallest habit can become overwhelming. Do you live with your lover’s flaws without saying anything while they really upset you? If so, you have to talk about it immediately, because by the time the other does something ONE time too many, it will be too late. You’ll probably say everything you didn’t for all that time, and the situation will appear worse than it is.
Try to put you in his or her shoes: how could your lover knew you couldn’t cope with him or her not replacing correctly the hand towel if you never said it? And be honest; it’s the accumulation that bothers you, not the only little trivial oversight. So, communicate! It’s the key!
9| Can you trust your partner no matter what?
Trusting. A hard thing. Do you want to know what could break a relationship like nothing else? A lack of trust in each other. Are you ok with your lover going out with his or her friends? Are you having doubts when your partner pretends to be somewhere? Are you dying to go through his or her Facebook or cellphone, and scroll for a good while? Can you count on the other to tell you the truth, and to respect you even when you’re not there?
If, even a little, you’re tempted to say no to all that, go find the reason to your doubts. Have you been cheated on or betrayed in the past? Are you feeding yourself with insecurity? Why? Is that you who should work on your confidence toward others, or do you really have reasons to question your partner? To give your trust to someone can take time, and you only need a sole lie to question everything a person could have said.
10| Are you happy? Do you feel, without any doubt, that you’re in the right place in your life?
Would you like to be somewhere else? Do you think you deserve better? Do you think you could stay with the person in front of you for the rest of your life? Are you ready to go through every moment, good or bad, by his or her side? Your answer in no? Don’t waste any more of your time, then. Leave and go find the love of your life!
You want to know if you’re alone in that situation? Here’s some testimony from some of our readers, to whom we asked to complete this sentence: “I knew it was over with my ex when…”
- “I didn’t want to make love to her anymore. At all, never and under no circumstances. We were now friends, roommates.”
- “I realized that strangers treated me better than my own boyfriend.”
- “I realized we weren’t in the same place in life, I didn’t share the same values as her…”
- “She betrayed me, there was no trust between the two of us.”
- “We had different views on life, I couldn’t see myself growing old with him.”
- “When she questioned everything, I told myself that I didn’t want to stay with a girl who, rather than deal with the problems, preferred to end the relationship. I had no idea she had doubts about the two of us, she didn’t give me a chance.”
- “Everything I cared about, he didn’t take seriously.”
- “I realized we were too young to start a serious relationship, we were probably made for each other, but the timing wasn’t right.”
- “I didn’t want to put any more energy into saving our relationship, I was even trying to provoke him, I didn’t have the courage to leave him.”
- “I started to imagine myself with someone else, even with anyone else.”
- “I realized he lied to me about everything and I decided I didn’t want to get into it with him.”
- “He stopped looking me in the eye and saying ‘I love you’. He’d moved on and I didn’t want to keep him in a relationship that didn’t suit him anymore.”
- “He was distant. I was crying, and it didn’t even affect him anymore. I knew something was up, so I checked his cell phone and realized he had deleted all his messages. And that, my dear, is a DEAL BREAKER.”